Soul – Part 1

The emo soul came back to find me.
Chasing away the happy soul.
And the happy me is gone for a moment.

Dun ask me stop thinking bout it and let go.
Let me be emo for a moment people.

For all of the reasons I could have.
I felt strength-less.

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If you were here
I could have share my happiness
“Yeah dear, I got chosen for The Big Groove 2008! You have to come watch me!!”
“Woohoo!! dardar, my sis gonna get me a iPhone for my 21st birthday, what you gonna get for me? *grin*“
“Once again, I’ll make you proud, going for Suntec Dance Competition! !”

I could have share my stress-ness
“Dar, I dunno how the school gonna grade me for my MP/SIP. Arghh”
“Dar, I think I nv improve in dance after dancing for a year. Everyone else improved.”
“Dear, I feel anxiety attack. I felt so lost and I can’t breathe easy.. I’m felt so lost, I think my soul’s with you.”

I could have share my unhappiness
“today blah blah blah…. “

I could have share my anger
“The guy in my MP group, he keep talking and complaining for anything he dun like. I wanna ask him shut up. Irritating shit!!”

I could have just hug you
“I miss you so much dear!”

I could have just say I love you
“小笨牛 我爱你!”

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But you are not here
I feel stressed
I feel lost
I feel breathe-less
I feel anger
I feel sadness
I feel uneasy

I could no longer tell you how happy I am
I could no longer hug you to sleep
I could no longer sing to make you sleep
I could no longer hear you sing and feel loved
I could no longer help you with your art work in the middle of the night.
I could no longer help you for editing your photo till 2+ am while you sit beside me looking.
I could no longer hear your voice
I could no longer hear your laughter.
I could no longer hold your hand
I could no longer walk you home or acc you to your ah ma house.
I could no longer talk to you over the phone till both of us fall asleep with call still connected
I could no longer hear you sleep talking
I could no longer wait for you to finish dress up
I could no longer shop with you
I could no longer wake up early at 6am just to go your house and have Mac breakfast with you and off you go to school.
I could no longer call you dear, 小笨牛 and all the names I have for you
I could no longer see your face.
I realised, I could no longer hear you say ”I love you”.

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Many “I could no longer”. A whole list which I will nv be able to finish it.

Quoting lyric from the song Addicted :
Whenever I think about the the love we had
It hurts so bad
Whenever I think about the love we made
I said that I’d be strong
Girl I really thought that I’d move on
But still I find myself asking

Do u still think of me like I think about u
Do u still dream of me cos I can’t sleep without u
Tell me if time should make a change
Then why do I feel the same
Your love has got me addicted
Said I don’t know
When I’m with a chick and hittin it girl I call your name
Said I don’t know
When I be with somebody else I push them away
Tell me if time should make a change
Then why do I feel the same
I know I gotta move on but I’m so addicted to u

It’s been long enough don’t know why I’m still holding on
If I had a wish babe I would turn back the hands of time

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The song - Addicted: really depicts what I feel and wanna say. Till now, I still addicted to you.

I guess all this came back emo after I nothing better to do, go surf for blog for your name. And upon chance, saw your friends blogged about you. Then saw your blog link from theirs. Although you didnt blog already, and those post in your blog was in 2004 and 2005, where I didn’t know you then.

You blogged like those typical secondary school xiao meimei, oh well, you are at there point of time. haha. You blogged about how stress are you, how bored, how much you treasure friendship and how much you miss your bf, then. I then wondered, did you blog about us when we were together? I guess not. Your old blog, shows how you miss your ex bf, how concerned you are for his health and all.
How I wished I participated in your secondary life. But still, I loved much when I participated your after sec school life and half of your NAFA life.

You bring me love. And I know I’m one hell of a lucky guy to have you. Everyone says my gf is pretty. though I didn’t compliment you, but you know, in my heart, you are always my girl. How proud I am to tell people and show people you are my gf.

Friend: “your gf pretty eh”
Me: “Haha. Of cos!”

Friend: “who drew that? Very nice!”
Me: “My gf, she art student. Her whole sec sch, only she got A. (feeling proud)”

Passerby: (looking over at us)
Me: “must be thinking why I so lucky”

haha.. ok.. the last one I didn’t really think about it, but i guess passerby must be thinking I’m lucky.

As I typed the above “I could have share”, I teared. Can’t control it. Almost broke into big tears but I tried controlling, cos in LAB. -.-’  I think I’ll break down soon, mayb tonite. haha. Dance make me stress out, which it shouldn’t be. I wanna enjoy dance, not dance because of performance only.

Feel lost at times, can’t think properly(mind seemed messed up), can’t breathe easy, soul like out of the body and many thing else. According to what Melvin says, I might have a anxiety attack.. Hopefully this feeling will go soon. The feeling very uneasy.. It’s like a force is keeping you down, and you have no strength to break free.. Too much things in mind I guessed.

Few days back, read some stories online by Low Kay Hwa, a local writer. Actually I read one of his stories online few year back and I was impressed by his english. His description is good. Recently, read his other stories. But too bad, I’ll nv know the whole story, online only shows half of the book. Have to buy the book if want to know the ending.
His stories bring scenes in my mind, good description as I’ve said. I can imagine the story as a show in my mind. Well, quite nice story. He’s very imaginative.

I’ll briefly talk about 2 of the stories, will not be a good summary cos my english cannot make it.
I believe you
A girl named Joanna Fung, who believes she have a curse. Whatever bad thing she say to the person, the event will happen, causing harm to them. The only person that is immune to her “curse” is Landy, her close friend.
Jacky Wu, whom she knew since secondary sch, after knowing her situation, tried to help her. Keep asking her to believe him.  And of cos, a love sparks off in the story.
It’s more den just a mere love story. I could visually the whole story as a show or movie in my mind when i read. Recommeded to read. Read it and you can imagine it. 4/5 stars.
http://www.goodybooks.com/books_iby.htm

You Are Here
Zhou Jie Lun, met his first love one day after 6years of seperation. He know Lara, his first love since primary 1. But he didn’t like her at that time. It was during a trip to Jurong Bird Park when they both got lost. Jie Lun sort of celebrated her birthday there. And since then, he wished to be streamed to the same class with Lara in p4, and to same secondary school after psle.
Many small small detail, like lara sings well, he and her worked in macdonald and get together with the help from Macdonald Manager. Both of them study together for their Olvls, how they sneak out of Lara house during midnight, went to the bird park to make a promise and every eight years make 1 promise. Talk bout their future. After Olvl, working at a factory, how Jie Lun quarrel with lara after he know a girl in the factory and etc etc.
But when Jie Lun met Lara again after 6years, Lara starts to act strangely. Her action become the young Lara that Jie Lun have know and not the twenty-two years old Lara. Her memory seemed to go back to the time before Jie Lun broke up with her. 

I can visualize the whole story as the things written in the story can be relate to our life in Singapore. I give a 4.5 stars out of 5. Like this alot. I feel for this story as I imagine you and me going thru all those moments. I can feel it, can you? Read it yourself.

http://www.goodybooks.com/books_yah.htm

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There’s actually one more story I read. But will continue talking bout it in Part 2.

Wanted to end this post with chinese words, but I guess I’ll do it in the next one bah.
Gone.